cavemanson

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:40:59 GMT

this is the last time i will be writing in this journal. i've had it since like 2005 and i just want a change. i want to leave this in the past. i want to add new people and not have them read any of this because a lot of it is stuff that isn't worth most peoples time.

any of you who read this, thanks for being there for me through it all. if you did something positive or helped me in some way i'm sure i'll add you to my new one.

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 07:08:12 GMT

what a wild time. took care of carissa friday night. it was sweet. today was awesome. i can't wait for spring break. i can't wait to hang with matt and steve and all my other dudes.

first weekend spent together. :)

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:42:36 GMT

There's a lot I want to say. I have a lot I want to write about.

I am no where near the same person I was a year ago. Even 6 months ago.

I don't pray every night anymore. I don't even believe in God anymore. I told my mom that yesterday and she tried to say all of this stuff so I asked her a few questions and talked about it and she walked away saying "i'm not going to argue this with you." I've given up faith on something being up there. Maybe some benevolent force is ruling over us but when it comes down to it i see it as more like a mathematical equation than some fucking ruling God. You do good, good happens.

I'm no where near "edge" anymore. One of the best choices of my life. I was straight-edge for all of the right reasons and i broke it for all of the wrong ones but i am who i am. suck it up, stop being a bitch. life on this side is so much better for me, it's shown me who i really am. i like the party scene. it's helped me open up. I'm glad i can enjoy it and be open to things rather than think it's stupid and limit myself because others make bad choices.

I'm not afraid of the dark anymore and i'm slowly working past a lot of my fears. that shits dumb. i've been facing as many fears as i can.

I'm not a vegetarian anymore. I tried it, a lot of people around me were. Not for me. MEATS DELICIOUS. and i support eating it. what about the animals? What about them? What about kids in africa who are handed guns? What about everything else wrong in the world? Make local changes, support local business, help an old lady cross the road then worry about saving the world.

I'm becoming more and more okay with showing affection in public. that's a big step for me. i guess a lot of it has to do with carissa, she's quite open haha. it's a good thing. i actually want to be in public with her.

i'm becoming so much more self satisfied. with working out and just actions and choices i think i'm really becomming a great, normal person. i'm so much healthier and so much happier. I walked outside and parked all the way in the back of the parking lot just so i could enjoy the walk to class. i don't think i've ever appreciated nice weather so much or really wanted to be out in it.

i'm getting good at connecting with people. not just a significant other and my close friends, but random people. i can sit down and talk to someone and make friends with them. i can make them laugh and have a better time. and of course, there is the whole significant other thing. it's nice to have a girlfriend who genuinely cares about you. who wants to give you things. who supports choices you make whether she agress or not. who communicates and talks. who gets along with your friends. who makes you feel like you have the world and gives you so much, you feel like you're not giving enough back. she's a great girl. i'm a lucky ass dude.

what i don't need: overreactive people. consistent negativity. immaturity. complications. people who make a fake image of themselves to impress people. people without morals or goals. the people who are going to end up 30 and still think it's sweet to mosh hard, not have a job and intimidate the new 16 year olds who just want to enjoy some music.

get real.

I'm completely happy with myself, my friends and my girlfriend.

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:46:20 GMT

I started to watch how i met your mother thanks to jen. yet another good recommendation.

p.s. jen, carissa and i meet the olive theory. hahaha.

"When you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after but only one of your stories can end that way. The rest end with someone getting hurt."

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:37:10 GMT

<3 jenny and carissa.
one of the best early birthday presents EVER.

you should have slept here.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:14:29 GMT

what you're feelin' isn't really there, b.
use your conscience.

'bout to go get that tattoo done. 'bout to set some new trends yo. couldn't be more stoked. couldn't be happier.

i just wanna look back and remember this, good times for a change.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 16:37:05 GMT

last night. what an experience.

i'm happy. really happy. :)

haha, dahfewhgrgi

and i'm addicted to coffee.
LOL

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 16:32:48 GMT

tonight is chuck + heroes night with carissa. wednesday is our tattoo appointment. this weekend is drunken times(i think). next month is carissas big 21st birthday. april 18th is napalm death and kataklysm. april 25th is my big 20th birthday. there's so much to be excited for haha.

Carissa and I have had a lot of big talks lately. I'm really happy with things. I think our relationship is definitely moving in a positive direction. She's great. I mean we've gone to hockey games, ice skating, awesome movies, awesome shows coming up, out to dinner and she even gets along with my friends. i hope i do a good job. she's a keeper. she's a girl i like to take out in public, haha. She's definitely great though, i'm happy.

there's only one thing that could make it even better: a turkey sandwhich ;)

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 20:08:34 GMT

so disgusted. i love you jen. thank you for getting me into the sleeping. thank you the sleeping for making the song "bomb the world". that's exactly how i feel right now.

jump the fucking band wagon. i'm perfectly fine being bitter and full of negative emotions. i'm not even going to pretend to be content with people around me anymore. i have an awesome girlfriend, a few awesome friends. i'm so happy to be clear of the ever changing storm some people bring. consistent fucking depression. uncontrollable urges to impress everyone around you. carissa said to me last night "being nice doesn't make this situation better" so i tried to keep the mindset that if you try to handle situations positively positive things will come and tried to support that but she's right. some things you just have to take a closed fist to.

i want to rip your head off(verbally), i want to really make you see how small and unintelligent you are.

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:03:27 GMT

The hockey game was awesome. best one i've ever been to really. Carissa was there and it was a great game.
Filatov played. That was really surprising. He scored a goal the first quarter for the crunch and then we lost 3-1... Oh well, I like the penguins so really it was just a big + to see them play and to have filatov there. He's so fucking good...

Last night was just great in general. It really reminded me how solid I feel. how awesome everything is. I made french toast this morning for everyone, the first batch was good i hear, the batch for me and aaron wasn't so much haha, the grill started to crap out or something. They tasted fine just way soft.

I don't really have anything to look forward to next week. Well, there's Chuck + heroes night but other than that I'm not sure. Hopefully something fun pops up. On the same side, I guess I do have a lot to look forward to because I know something fun will pop up.

I'm so stoked to see kataklysm.

I need more music to listen to. By the way you all should still go get the new Thursday CD it's so good.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:19:48 GMT

Tonights hockey night. I can't express how excited i am. Not only do i get to share something i love with someone i care for, but it's also a big game. I found out it's against Wilkes-barre scranton, the penguins. My favorite teams AHL team... I'm pretty sure I'm going to cheer for them over the crunch tonight... I never even thought i'd see them play haha...

I'm excited for carissa to be there with me. It's such a big deal that she tries so hard to do things i enjoy with me and that she brings me to hang with her friends and wants to go hang with mine and co-exists with me in this huge web of people. she supports my decisions, even ones that are stupid and pointless. i'm so excited for tonight. tomorrow. i actually want to make french toast tomorrow morning, not just to keep my word, but just to do something nice. it's not even that i want someone there for me. i found a place where i want to be for someone else.

Plus, I talked her and Ben into going. Everyone who reads this better go. Nothing more metal will probably ever happen in Syracuse.
FUCKING KATAKLYSM

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:00:23 GMT

From where the only place democracy's acceptable,
Is if Americas candidate is electable,
And they might even have a black president but he’s useless,
Cause he does not control the economy stupid!

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:20:25 GMT

Love is a strong word. When people say it with out thinking about it someone always gets hurt. Growing up sucks. It stinks when you realize that things aren't the way you thought they were. That no matter how hard you try to make something mean something, it'll only mean as much as someone else lets it. It stinks that you can't fix the world. At least I learned how to fix myself.

The nightmares went away, i can sleep in the dark. i've gotten rid of every bad thing in my life. every person who wasn't there for me when i needed them. every person who will only think of themselves. things were a train wreck.

i'm going to be 20 years old, i have an awesome girlfriend and all of my friends finally feel like they're my friends again(i think). i hope things work out, i'm getting old. it's funny to say that when i'm still so young but i want to be young and enjoy it, i'm tired of searching for where i belong. i think i found it.

i find myself in a position in life where the same song that's always made me feel better, still does.
go listen to Thursday - Streaks in the sky, then go out and download/buy their new CD. that band is better than anything you listen to.

P.S. Make sure you get your hands on these two CDs
Thursday - Common Existence
The Sleeping - What It Takes

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:29:49 GMT

carissa and jen agreed to go halfs on paying for my new tattoo(s) LOL.

i'm stoked that my girlfriend and one of my best friends support me making stupid decisions in life, hahaha. there will be lots of laughs to come. i can't believe i'm going to go through with it, but i am.

tonight was awesome. take out night needs to happen more. im so excited for the hockey game friday.

tattoo appointment is wednesday.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:09:16 GMT

me and coffee/cappauchino mix very badly. LOL. wired bro

tomorrow's take out night with carissa, stoked. Nothing like chinese food and spending time with her, her meeting got canceled too, so more time to spend together. Thursday she's coming over for who knows what and then our big hockey night friday + more sleepovers and french toast in the morning!

we had a talk about some stuff, it's really cool. like what happens.

hopefully our july plans work out.

i've listened to more every time i die in the past 48 hours than in my entire life up until this point. it's weird how you can take something you used to dislike and then find a sudden huge interest in it.

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:24:04 GMT

I decided that making all of these entries private would defeat the original purpose of making this live journal, so i won't be doing that. I don't really care about who reads this or who doesn't, but i want to leave the option available. Part of my wants to delete this and myspace and facebook because i'm tired of having such non-personal relationships with people. i only want people who can approach me in my life.

Everything I write in here is for my own personal reason. So i can remember things or just get them out there. A small part of it is so i can share good moments with people who care.

Valentines day was great. Really great. I had an amazing day with an amazing girl. My friends were there for dinner too which made it even better. The best part was going to sleep then waking up. I probably won't forget what she said in the morning.

It's really so strange how different things feel. The world isn't in complete chaos and I don't have a consistent reason to be down. It wasn't anyones fault but my own, i should have done something about it. Now that i have though things feel strange. i feel like i did a while ago. like i'm back to where i want to be or at least working for that. I'm starting to realize some of the long term effects i made in the past and i'm really starting to regret some of them.

Regret is funny. it's childish to say that you live without regret because as long as you do, you'll never learn and you'll continue to make the same mistakes. You can't dwell on them, that's pointless but some things in life you really just have to regret.

I'll officially be moving out in August, I just need to get a job by August. I already have the security deposit and first months rent set aside. That'll be easy enough with all of the openings. I'm excited I guess. Aaron and I have plans to get bunk beds and then put a small bed in whoevers room is smaller so if we need alone time we can have it. haha.

in the words of cage... "sometimes you gotta get a little gay".

Carissa said "...that's because you are gay" this morning. I responded with something clever. it was a nice moment. things are nice. nice is good. nice is a very nice describing word for how things are.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 18:37:37 GMT

Tonight's the night! I'm stoked. I really hope things go well. I really hope I can out do myself yet again. Tomorrow morning is going to be awesome, it's all going to be great.

Rachael wants to meet Carissa and Carissa is excited about that. I don't think I'd have it any other way. Definitely important to me.

I've been up since 10am being a mix of nervous and excited. hahaha. I'm such a dork.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:06:49 GMT

for anyone out there in livejournal land...

do yourself a favor and go see Friday the 13th. You will NOT be disappointed.

most entries will be private from this point on. fyi

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:47:51 GMT

girl tricks > boy tricks.

:)

p.s. thanks mom for cleaning my sock drawer. L@LZ

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 02:04:47 GMT

So ashley is into aaron! doctor hook up over here, right? That gets me stoked. Carissa and I were joking about it all night because we heard them kissing hahaha. I really hope it works out. Aaron is such a good guy and I really want him to meet a girl.

5 days. 5 fucking days. Until one of the greatest horror movies and the greatest slasher is back. All the new technology is going to make this movie so fucking brutal. I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen, for a new director to pick up the story and re-tell it in a new way with everything new. I think Aaron and Ashley are coming too. I'm stoked. I have class at 7:45 the next day, aaron and carissa have class at 9:30 the next day. Fuck the world.

i like to be the small spoon. i've never slept better.

"Lifes shorter than death is, so let's live."

Friday night I said some things that have been said a few more times since then. I thought i was going to regret it and end up ruining things but i definitely don't. i want to remember that.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 18:26:52 GMT

it's cool being 13 years old and having sleep overs again.

:)
it's also cool to be taken care of.

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:15:28 GMT

ice skating went well, it was tons of fun.
the after party, awesome. me and carissa tore down the pong table. we ran that shit, we easily out drank everyone there. I got trashed due to an empty stomach and kept falling asleep everywhere. she took care of me, it was great.

waking up wasn't so great, but we definitely slept for a good amount of time

tonight aaron and i are going to a party at her friends house and having round 2. i'm nervous to meet her friends.

i'm nervous in general.

on a side note, i'm growing a beard. not a sick neck beard, but a normal beard.

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 01:41:52 GMT

i'm procrastinating. so i'm going to clear my mind.

I'm really excited to go ice skating tomorrow. I haven't stepped out on the ice in so long. I wish the fun hockey league had worked out. I'm also excited for my friends to meet someone important. It's a big deal to me. i want it to go over well and i have a really good feeling it will. i mean it already did with aaron and hopefully some other people come along/meet up with them after. i just know i'm excited. it'll be fun to skate and then it'll be fun to just be there. i hope we end up at aubers after, i think that's part of the plan. aarons going to be mad when he finds out i have a new pong partner... haha

homework is killing me. i've had so much and have been just barely getting it done because of how much i have to do. i can't keep myself focused lately and i've really let my work ethic slide. i've been focusing so much on mixing that it's just blowing my mind and i haven't even had time to do that really. i haven't had time to play poker either which stinks. oh well, i need to focus on school and some other things.

chauncey just sent me a ton of music. including some unreleased shit from xoskeletons and some other things. it's fucking dope, keep an eye out for it. he sent me some shit from this band "crystal castles". they're so fucking insane. it's like 8-bit digital trip hop. they wreck the 8bit scene, check out my myspace to listen to it. that shit will make your head nod trust. the female vocals are so awesome.

lately all i've been listening to is american nightmare, blacklisted and kid cudi, new music was much needed. my head's been ready to explode. so glad i got that new new.

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 08:36:29 GMT

car moshes
math problems
loud bed
holding on around corners
guiding me home when i'm lost.
being eskimos.
bitches love me cuz they know that i can rhyme

:)

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:51:33 GMT

said we'd wait until the weekend this past Saturday.
broke that monday.
and hopefully again today.

that's probably the best feeling in the world.
not being able to resist.